So many things have happened. Happy, sad, traumatic, exciting times.
I got to go and see my girls in November. As many of you know, W was in the hospital the whole time I was there, so I didn't get much quality time with her. I didn't find out she was in the hospital until my flight was getting ready to take off to PAP. God worked out the timing for this trip, as well as how everything went down. I'm not sure she even knew who I was because she was a on serious meds. Necessary, but meds so powerful, the person looks as though they don't have life behind the eyes. Yeah, heart-wrenching for this mama to see her baby look like this, when I've only ever seen her smiling. She ended up being in the hospital a day shy of 3 weeks. I got to see her twice for about 15 min each. I have pictures with her, but I'm pretty sure that she won't remember me being there. So much of that trip was very, very difficult and honestly, it's quite hard to talk about even to this day. So I will keep the details to a minimum.
My trip with D was FANTASTIC. I will NEVER forget that moment when she saw me for the first time. She was in school and I came into the room. She turned to look at who it was, and that smile, oh that big smile of hers, forever ingrained into my heart! She recognized me, she knew I was back to see her. The first break she got she ran over and told me immediately that her sister was in the hospital. I told her I knew and that I was hoping to go and see her that day. She loved on me, crawled into my lap and held my hands. My heart was about burst. She knew I was her mama. I quickly told her this wasn't the homecoming trip so as to not add to the confusion. I told her we were getting closer, but to keep having faith that we would come back for her and W. I enjoyed that recess more than any other of the time with her!! She wouldn't let me go - I felt treasured!!
We were in country for 4 days with the girls and that time flew by. The goodbyes were just as difficult - I was hoping for some ease in my heart, nope. I still wanted to bundle them into my bags and just leave with them. I am very grateful for that time with my girls, but it makes me want to be their mama even more.
So here we are almost 2 months have passed since I let their hands go down from a hug. I'm already yearning to get back to them, to tell them we are on the next step, to have them tell me what they want to play next, to pick out their clothes, to learn more about them, to share more of our lives with them. So much.... Ryan and I are planning another trip for their birthdays. We were hoping to get them off the crèche property to just have time with them, but it looks like that isn't going to happen. We are still working on the details for a trip in Feb. We are really hoping to tell them they have a new last name and that it matches our last name.
Today is a sad day. I've got my "adoption playlist" rolling along with the tears. Please Lord, let Your timing be quick on this decree. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to burst and that my lungs can't get a full breath because I want to be with them. But You know this, You know the exact date. So I will do my best to rest.....I'm not good at that, so I will need Your help!
Lord I need you, every hour I need you.
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God how I need you.